#1 Say what TO do.

Have you ever felt confused because you didn't understand someone's directions? You just want to know what you're supposed to do.

Adults tend to tell kids what NOT to do, rather than what TO do. So many instructions begin with "Don't..." And they can be very confusing...especially for very young children and children with a language disorder.

"Don't" is such a passive word. I hesitate to even call "Don't" statements directions because you're not directing a child to DO anything when you start with "don't." You're instructing them what NOT to do. You should find that when you are more direct and state what you want the child TO do, you'll have a quicker and more desirable response.

Picture this. A mother walks into the room, deep in phone conversation. This is when her kids are often found testing her patience, so she's not surprised to find her 4 year old son jumping on the couch. She says "Just a minute" to the person on the other end of the phone and in a stern voice "Don't jump on the couch" to her son. She expects him to stop, and he does for a moment, but he continues as soon as she returns to her phone conversation. She again postpones the conversation and in a lounder voice with exaggerated inflection says "I said 'Don't jump on the couch!"

Was this "Don't" instruction effective? Clearly, it wasn't.

Why? There are many possible answers. But without jumping to the conclusion that he's just a bad kid who doesn't listen, consider that that a clear directive wasn't given. An alternate action wasn't suggested. What did the mother want him TO do? Sit still next to her until she was done with her conversation? Play quietly in his bedroom? Watch cartoons? Color a picture at the table or count the pennies in a jar? Any of these would have been clear directions of what he COULD DO. And a child with good language skills might even have asked "What CAN I do?"

A few more examples:

Don't Say: Don't take his toy.
Say: Let HIM play with the toy. He had it first.

Don't Say: Don't touch the baby.
Say: Put your hands in your lap.

Don't Say: Don't play with your food.
Say: Eat.

Don't Say: Don't throw your books on the floor.
Say: Put your books down nicely.

Don't Say: Don't pick your nose.
Say: Use a tissue.

Don't Say: Don't throw your towel on floor.
Say: Hang your towel up every time.

Don't Say: Don't bug me when I'm cooking.
Say: When I'm in the kitchen, play quietly in your bedroom.

Don't Say: Don't touch the dirt without gloves.
Say: Put gloves on first. (Refer to photo above)